STAND UP COMEDY WRITING SAMPLE #1 — R Rated
Good evening, folks. Well, actually, it wasn’t such a good evening for me. I just got rejected by a cute girl.
But to be fair, I didn’t have enough money for a lap dance.
I think strippers are probably the worst con artists in the world. Coming up to a guy like me and convincing me that I’m the sexiest man alive? I think they’ve got used car salesmen beat! “Oh, you’re so sexy with your thinning red hair. I’ve always had a thing for balding Ronald McDonald types!”
I love how people hate on the strippers with the fake tits. Do any guys here like fake tits?
Yeah, notice all the guys with girlfriends in the audience shaking their heads like this. Like I just found out you used to deal coke in South America. “No, honey, I love your breasts… which are flat as a pancake… and sag down to your knees. But hey, at least you don’t look like you got a pair of beach balls on your chest.” (lets out a fake laugh)
I really shouldn’t talk. As if I’m on the well-endowed person on the earth. A couple months ago, I went to Disneyworld with my niece. She wondered why I was crying while on the It’s a Small World ride.
(while pretending to cry) “It feels like prom night all over again.”
I know exactly what you’re thinking. Yes, I actually did have a date for the prom. Luckily, my dad found a cheap escort service.
Of course, everyone at the prom was wondering why I was taking a chubby Russian chick in her 50’s who reeked of stale cigarettes… but I made the best of the night.
They say you just have to look at the bright side of life. Live every day like it’s your last. Which is why I’m never afraid to masturbate in public.
Hey, if women can breast-feed in public, then why can’t I masturbate… to them breast-feeding?
OK, I’ll stop talking about masturbation. We do have some older folks in the audience tonight. And it just wouldn’t be fair to talk about this stuff… you know… considering you can’t masturbate with your arthritis and all. It’s like talking about chocolate cake in front of a diabetic.
The problem with me is I’m just very awkward socially. Recently, I took a class in “how to build your social skills.” That’s when I realized something really enlightening: socializing is fucking boring.
“What do you do for a living? What are your career goals? Where do you see yourself in ten years?” Who gives a shit?!!
I want to know two things: who wants to blow me and where can I get some pancakes?
Who can blame me for being insane? I am an accountant… which means I voluntarily deal with numbers all day. And I thought it was masochistic to burn your privates with candlewax. Not that I don’t enjoy doing that shit, too.
However, being an accountant is like burning your privates with candlewax while your grandmother catches it on videotape.
I should keep that in mind the next time my niece asks me to come in for Career Day.
(imitating a kid) “Mr. Black, what’s it like to be an accountant?”
“Well, kid, just imagine we’re celebrating your birthday, and the candle falls off the cake and onto your… “Eh, you get the point.
I’m a tall guy, as you can see. Of course, being tall is great. Women love tall guys… provided they don’t look like me. But I can change a light bulb without using a step ladder. Boo-yam!
One problem with being tall is everybody assumes you play sports. “Hey, you’re pretty tall, you play a little basketball? Yeah, you must be a basketball player, ‘cause you’re… pretty tall.”
Motherfucker, I get injured running for the bus. No, I don’t play basketball! You’re pretty short. Are you riding a horse in the Kentucky Derby?
And, of course, you can’t make fun of short people nowadays. Isn’t the word “midget” outlawed in 38 states? We’re supposed to call them “little people.” No, if you’re 5’4, you’re a little person. If you’re 4’10 or under, you’re representing the Lollipop Guild.
The funny thing is both my parents are pretty short. We had a mailman in your neighborhood who was 6’1, so my friends always used to joke, “Hey, your daddy’s coming down the block. Hahaha!”
Then again, our mail always did come in time. Plus, my mom was a slut.
I shouldn’t disrespect my mother like that. After all, she did give me life… and this face… and this body. On second thought, “Fuck you, mom!”
Naturally, when you look like this, it’s hard to have a high self-esteem with the ladies. You know you have a low opinion of yourself when you want to have a kid just so everyone can know you had sex at least once in your life.
Hey, it could be worse. I could be 400 pounds. You ever see these fat, ugly couples with kids? All I could think is, “Wow… Jim Beam must’ve made a fortune on these two fucking people. And so did Sealy Posturepedic.”
But, as my mother would always tell, “There’s a cover for every pot.” Of course, she used to smoke a lot of pot…
She does make a good point, though. No matter how fat you are, no ugly you are, how fucked up you are, there’s always someone on this earth who won’t try to get you arrested for flashing her in the parking lot.
I’m just messing around, of course. I would never become a flasher, because, well, you know… I don’t own a trench coat.
But despite how depraved I can be, I actually do have a good heart. I try to help out the homeless whenever I can. Anytime a homeless man asks me for money, I always tell him the names of all the rich people in the neighborhood.
“Mr. Waller never locks his Porsche when he stops by the bank. Do you know how to hot wire a vehicle?”
You see that? I’m like a modern day Robin Hood.
Hey, what’s wrong with stealing from the rich and giving to the poor? We can do what the U.S. government does: steal from the poor and give to the rich.
But I shouldn’t hate on all rich people. If I ever hit the lottery and came into money, I’d become just like them… except instead of spending it on fancy cars, I’d spend it all on lap dances… in one night… and then the next day I’d be back to being a broke-ass accountant.
Hey, we all make stupid decisions financially. One night, I was buying a woman drinks all night and ran up a tab of $200.00. Of course I thought that sucked. After I threw away all that money… I had nothing to spend on roofies.
I always tend to get carried away with the drinking when I’m with women, but I can’t blame myself too much. How else am I supposed to get the courage to tell a girl she’s pretty… especially when she looks like my dog’s ass?
I should go after the pretty ones, but I get too intimidated by them. I should keep in mind that no matter how pretty the girl… she probably has an uglier sister who’d be willing to fuck me.
The problem is I can’t relate to women. In order to relate to them, you have to have empathy. I always hear women complain, “I feel so cheap and used. Anytime a man talks to me, I feel like all he wants to do is bang me.” Whenever a girl talks to me, I already have my fly un-zipped.
“Do you know where I can find the nearest 7-Eleven?”
“Here in my pants!”
And, of course, sometimes the women are just asking for it. Like when they walk around in those skimpy outfits with their boobs and asses popping out? While at the beach?
The problem is I don’t have too many interests and hobbies, besides watching porn. Naturally, that’s not going to do much to attract the opposite sex.
(imitating a woman) “Oh, you’re a porn watcher? You too?”
But I’ve been trying to develop more “hobbies.” I tried to take up sky-diving. I wasn’t aware you had to pay for a private plane and jump out using a parachute… and not just leap out the Emergency Exit of a United Airlines flight.
Of course, a parachute would’ve helped me out a lot. Luckily, I landed in the ocean. It would’ve also helped if I knew how to swim, but I figured – one hobby at a time.
I’ve also been finding a lot of these Meetup groups online. What I do is I just type in a random hobby into the search engine and see if there are any meet-up groups in my area. Just last week, I found an archery group. Unfortunately, I got banned on the spot. How was I supposed to know we weren’t supposed to shoot each other with the arrows?
Of course, there aren’t as many of these Meetup groups, because nobody meets up anymore. Everybody just plays games on their I-Phones. It just sucks that I’m not any good at those games. Then again, it’s a little hard to play while you’re cruising down the highway.
So I’ve developed all these new hobbies and interests, but still I’m single. Sometimes I think it’s best if I stay single for the rest of my life. So do most of the women I meet.
But I figure I’m better off staying single than trying to figure out the dating scene. Because it’s almost impossible to figure out! They say it’s not good to tell women that you’re single, because if you do, they’ll get suspicious and wonder why you’re single. So I’m supposed to get a fucking wedding ring? Seriously, am I supposed to get a wedding ring? Where can I get one for a cheap price?
But relationships aren’t the end of the world. After all, I still have my health… as if that’s worth anything. Don’t you love when people say that? “At least you still have your health.” What the hell’s that supposed to mean? So you’re gonna miserable as shit. At least you’ll live to be miserable as shit.
The good thing is as much of a loser as I am, at least I can stand up here and laugh at myself, and make all of you laugh at my expense. Because that’s all I live for.
(pretends to cry)
I love how women always talk all that crap about how allll they want is a guy with a sense of humor. If that’s the case, this place must be like Chippendale’s to you chicks. Please, do women really value sense of humor in a guy? You ever met a good-looking guy who’s really funny? That’s like finding a dog with three legs. You either fuck a good-looking guy or a funny guy. Take your pick, ladies!
I’ve been reading a lot of these positive affirmations lately. One of them said that if a girl dumps you, “Don’t take it personally. Think of it as her losing out on a really good guy.” Which is a very comforting thought… after thinking about all the better-looking guys who get to bang her brains out every night. On second thought, fuck that affirmation. It wasn’t positive at all!
“Don’t take it personally.” That’s a line that women give you all the time. “Oh, don’t take it personally, it’s just I’m not ready for a man in my life.” Next thing you know you jumps on the next cock she sees. But hey, like my mother said: there’s a cover for every pot. So if any ladies would like to cover my pot after the show, I’ll bring the flame.
STAND UP COMEDY WRITING SAMPLE #2 — Teaching
I was talking to my ex the other day. You remember when you’d break up with a gal and just delete her from your life? She could live right up the block from you! You’d go to the grocery store with a blindfold… trip over a bunch of garbage cans, nearly get hit by an 18-wheeler – just to avoid seeing that bitch!
Yeah, we used to be able to do that shit, but nowadays we have this evil thing preventing us from severing ties with our exes… otherwise known as Facebook.
Anyway, the two of us met up for coffee and I told her I was planning on doing the open mic thing. I’ve never done anything like this before, so I asked her for advice. She told me, “Oh, don’t worry. Just picture the audience naked.” (staring uncomfortably at the crowd, thinking out loud) Just picture the audience naked. Goddamn, those are nice! If milk does a body good, then pour me a glass!
(covering up his crotch and trying to act natural) So I was talking to my ex-girlfriend the other day…
Don’t you hate when you have a massive boner and you can’t do anything to kill it? That’s right; this woman knows exactly what I’m talking about.
You try to think ugly thoughts, but then other thoughts come about that make you even 10 times hornier. (voicing his inner monologue) “Hmmm, my old high school gym teacher… Ugly bitch had hair growing out her nose. It was almost hairy as… my ex Katie’s bush. (covering up his crotch again) Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!”
So if I leave halfway through my set, don’t take offense. I’ll just be jerking off to half the women in the audience.
I’m just kidding, of course. I’ll be stroking it to all the women in the audience… and you, sir.
I used to be an 8th grade teacher in Brownsville, New York. It was a pleasant job. Like being a corrections officer without the handcuffs or power.
But I think I got through to some of them. I felt like Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds or Hilary Swank in Freedom Writers. In a class full of ghetto kids who could barely spell their names correctly, I was the skinny white woman who came to save the day!
I would stroll through the hallways and overhear my students saying such wonderful things about me. “Yo! Cracker ass cracker just taught me how to write a haiku!”
I also taught in a Hispanic neighborhood in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. One of my students was failing badly and I had to call up his house. I told his mom, “Hello, I’m Mr. (insert last name), Ernesto’s writing teacher. I’m afraid his grades are slipping.” That’s, of course, when his mom told me, (in a heavy Spanish accent) “Sleeping? Ernesto no sleeping. He right here. Ernesto!”
I had to bring a translator to class everyday. Every time I’d teach a class, it’d look like a UN conference.
Yep, it was a different world, that’s for sure. Speaking of people who come from a different world… I have an older sister.
That was always fun, growing up and getting tortured by my sister… who was completely sadistic… and possibly borderline psychotic.
She would always “accidentally” step on my foot while she was wearing high heels… and “accidentally” give a menacing smile like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
I had an interesting childhood. I was probably the only kid in the neighborhood who was depressed that his parents stayed together. “What?? Your parents are getting a divorce? Lucky!”
I guess it’s no mystery why I ended up becoming the weirdo you see today. People sometimes think I’m autistic. I once asked one of my buddies, “Why do you think I’m autistic?” He said, “Come on! Look at the way you just recited that whole poem off the top of your head. You’re just like Rain Man.” “OK, so what you’re trying to say is… I’m smart.”
It’s amazing how dazzled people are by intelligence nowadays. If you use more than 10% of your brain in one day, people look at you like you’re an anomaly. And for those of you who don’t know what an anomaly is, just Google it on your iPhone.
But it’s to be expected. We live in the reality TV Kim Kardashian generation. Actually, this generation is really polarizing. You have the reality TV junkies and you have the super-intellectual hipster crowd that won’t read any book that was published after 1932. “What do you mean you don’t have The Complete Works of Alexander Dumas? Such uncultured swine!”
STAND UP COMEDY WRITING SAMPLE #3 — Stand up Comedy for Fat, Gay Greek Comics
- “…And when you’re fat, thin people don’t want to hang around you. Maybe they think I’m contagious. I noticed every time a thin person shakes my hands, they immediate hit the bathroom to wash their hands. Well, not always. Sometimes they’re carrying one of those little bottles of Purell and they wash right in front of me.”
- “….But you’d think thin people would’ve love to hang around me. I mean there are real benefits to hanging around a fat guy…First of all, fat people provide a lot of shade!….
- “I mean when I lived in Arizona, I should’ve been the most popular guy in all of Phoenix…I could bring someone’s heat index by 20 degrees!…”
- “But people who are a little overweight love to hang around me…Because, next to me, they look anorexic!”
- “…And I was a fat baby, too…What a winning combination….Fat and Greek…When I parents first looked at my size in the sonogram….My mother said, “If it’s a boy, we’ll name him Athens. Looks like they’ll be about the same size.”
- “….And my father chimes in, “….And if it’s a girl,….we can call her anything…followed by…. “still single.”…..
- “….My poor Greek father…..He took one look at me and said his brother, my Uncle Stelios, “Stel, we should have bought a diner like the rest of the Greeks!….How else am I going to feed this whale!…”
- “…..And as if that wasn’t enough, I had to deal with telling my parents that I was gay!….Now my poor father felt he’d really failed….His son was fat AND gay…..”He said to my Uncle Stelios, “Stel, we really should have bought that diner….My Uncle Stelios said why, and my father said, “Nice big gas ovens in the kitchen to kill me faster!”
- “My parents were in denial for a long time…They thought girls just didn’t want to go out with me because of my size….I had to tell them that it was MY preference to date men….He said men together is not natural…It’s against G-d’s will….He will punish you….The same we he just punished Me AGAIN!”
- “But they’re used to it now…They’ve come to love my boyfriend they love him like another son…. In fact, my father said, “He’s like the son he never had”…Nice, no?…He said, “Okay, he’s gay…But at least when he leaves the kitchen there’s still some food left in the refrigerator!”